Lessons at 4:35 AM

Last night I had my first overnight call as a medicine AI (acting intern) -- not to be confused with that creepy robot movie starring that kid from the Sixth Sense (what ever happened to him anyways? Let's just hope puberty was kinder to him that that kid from Jerry Maguire). Anyways, the point of this rotation is to treat you like you're a real intern (think of it as being a doctor with training wheels), and as such, you take overnight call every fourth day. Maybe it was not as bad as I thought it was, maybe I was touched by the caduceus (don't pretend you know what it is, just look it up) of the med school gods, or maybe it was the fact that I was pretty delirious from only getting 25 minutes of sleep in 30+ hours, but I definitely gained some extra insight before the sun rose. Here's a little bit of what I picked up on from my overnight call....

1. I look hot in scrubs. Don't even try to question it. If I walked in with my blue scrubs, white coat, cool green kicks (its like saying, yeah I'm professional but I have fun), and stethoscope draped around my neck, you would swoon. Let alone when I have my sexy tuberculosis exposure max on, and all you can focus on are my hazel eyes.

2. Graham crackers and those freakishly tiny cans of pop (on which I think hospitals have a monopoly) are an excellent source of nutrition. True, that assumes you are housing them down 3 at a time (not that I would know anything about that), but they will get you threw the night. However, this only applies if you can sneak them by the nurses station (much like street parking, I'm pretty sure the "For Patient Only" signs no longer apply after 7 pm).

3. If I needed any additional validation that I am JD from Scrubs, last night did it. Literally, the number of scenes from season 1 of Scrubs that I unintentionally reinacted was frightening.

4. It may be hard to tell, I'm a big fan of sarcasm (if you don't understand the beauty of that line, just stop reading now and delete this link from your browser). That being said, I'm totally digging the "politely F-off" nature of many notes written in the charts. My new favorite line is "appreciate." For example, "Appreciate pulmonolgy recommendations" i.e. I am going to politely say I see what you wrote down but keep right on doing what I was planning on doing anyways. So, be leary of, "Yes, TF, I really appreciate what you want to do this weekend."

5. You know you should either persue a career in infectious disease or get serious psychological help when you hear things like "I think this person has Lyme Disease facial nerve palsy" and your first response is "Awesome Lyme Disease!". Or, they say, "This person may very well have TB," and your first response is to want to run to the room (Note: When someone has TB, I would probably advise not wanting to spend extra time breathing in whatever they are putting out.) However, I must say, I did both of these things (please insert nerd/tool/whatever joke here).

6. Blimpie's is not as good as Subway. Just throwing that out there.

7. I am fairly confident I can convince people to do anything. Case in point, I had to do three rectal exams yesterday (yes, giggle like a little school girl), which is incidently 3 more than I did all of last year (to understand how shocking it is to make it through 3rd year without doing one is like the equivalent of PP going into J.Crew and not buying anything, or MKS saying "You know what, I'm going to stay in a loving, committed relationship.") That being said, I was able to convince people that this exam would make or break them. Example, patient has difficulty chewing, if it were me, I would not necessarily think i need a rectal exam, but hey, after a few choice words, the patient was sure this would help provide the answer (I am just that damn good).

8. Stemming from item 7, patients trust me more than they trust real doctors. There were numerous times that the residents would ask the patients questions and then the patients would turn to me to answer. While this is awesome, I couldn't even pay attention to what they were saying cause all I was thinking was "Um, you definitely are betting on the wrong horse here."

9. You know you have lived a sheltered existence whenever you are impressed by call rooms. "This one has hard wood floors, its own bathroom, and a TV! This is nicer than my apartment!".

10. Despite the long hours, crazy patients, and tons of work, I actually thought all the stuff was really fun. In fact, I was both scary and uplifting at the same time. Oh yeah, that's why I decided to do this med school thing in the first place. That being said, I think we are lining up the ducks for med-peds.

Well, that's enough for now. Sorry for leaving you hanging for, um, almost 2 months. But, I do it all again Sunday morning, so I'm sure I will have a story or two for you then.