On Names (aka Why My Children Will Hate Me)

(Note: This turned out to be kinda long, but considering I haven't written anything in 20 days, I figure its acceptable.)

So it seems to me like there has been a lot of talk amongst various circles recently about relationships. That being said, please realize that I do NOT think in a straight forward manner but rather entirely in terms of the transitive property. Therefore: relationships --> marriage --> kids --> my kids --> my kid's names. Thus the topic of today's talk.

I'll be honest. I feel like I have put a lot of thought into it (even though when you see what I have come up with you won't believe me). On a personal level, I think it comes from my own thoughts on my name. I will admit that I think William Carl Anderson III is a pretty sweet name, and it has come to my advantage in the past. In fact, I had a philosophy teacher in college who said he thought even before reading my papers that they were going to be better than everyone else's simply via my name on the cover. And being the Bucknell elitist that I am, I love the hint of aristocracy that comes with "the third." However, "Bill" is by far one of the most boring names on the face of the earth (possibly only superceded by "Bob"). Each time I hear it the potential mediocrity it inspires cuts me like D.K./M.S./T.F. talking about girls at the Brass Monkey.

When it comes down to it, Bill is not even a name -- its either something that costs you money and the thought of it pisses you off once a month (I know it certainly does for me) or its legislation. Quick side bar, that being said, I still do like the School House Rock Song "I'm just a Bill sitting here on Capitol Hill..." and definitely want to reinact that at least once before I leave DC. Anyways, I still feel like my name is super boring. I feel like at this point in my life it be pretty damn hard to go with something else. Therefore, I do what I can to make things slightly better for myself. For example, I sign all my charts in the hospital "W.C. Anderson" (yes, I understand how sad that is but as a med student you need to hold on to what you got.)

Myself being essentially a lost cause, I decided to look to the future. And where (as a science nerd) of all the places in the world did I find my inspiration -- microanatomy class senior year of course! As I studied various structures that can never be seen with the naked eye, I came across 2 names. Henle and Huxley. (Okay, I will let you stop now, compose yourself whether it be to stop laughing, to question whether you really know me, or to prepare to judge.) Two perfect names ever paired together in (or should I say on) everyone of us. (I'm not going to tell you where they are or what they are. I'm leaving that up to you as the assignment for today.)

Yes, I understand these are strange names to say the least (and will most likely not tell my children their origin until my death bed). However, I think they f**kin rock. They have style, they have class, they have a hint of superiority. No one will ever have these same names! (unless any of you out there decide to steal them from me, in which case I will be ever so pissed and be forced to shank you). They have the opportunity to be completely unique individuals. With these names you can be anything they want from artist to CEO. Side bar number 2 -- don't say that names don't make a difference when it comes to careers! You will never ever have heard "Chief Justice BOOMER Esiason." He was pretty much stuck with football.

Yes, I understand the many and not so "potential" beatings they will incure during recess, and the subsequently directed hatred towards me because of it. However, I feel I'm going to do plenty of other things to screw them up so what's one more. Plus, I feel they will appreciate them when they are my age. Or at least it will make me happy for the entirity of their lives..haha!

Now some of you may be asking "Wait, you are the third, you are surely not going to let that die?" Well, I came up with a plan for that as well. I am thinking of also having a William Carl Anderson IV. However, I have had waay too many phone calls directed the wrong way and mail lost to having 2 people with the same name in the same house (my dad is Bill as well). Therefore, my son will not be William or Bill or even Will for that matter. Currently, I'm going with Liam. "Wait, Liam? I dont' get it?" Just look a little beyond the obvious -- wil-LIAM. If people can me named f-in "Topher" for Christopher, I can certainly go with Liam.

So now that I have most likely revealed way to much about myself and my future family, its about time to wrap this up. Yes, I understand the underlying "technicality" of having to have a mother involved to have these children and she (while unfortunate) will probably want some input on their names as well. But I have thought of at least 2 back ups for that. One, I can either adopt and cut out the middle woman. Or two, at the rate I'm going relationship-wise, I figure by the time comes for me to have kids, modern science would have invited a way that I can get a kid without the required "egg" or "uterus" (and I DON'T mean me getting pregnant a la the Schwarzenegger classic "Junior").

I ask you to think about your own name today, where has it gotten you so far, what has it inspired you to do, and how will you use it to warp your own children.

Oh, by the way, don't think I'm not above incorporating "Bucknell" into their names in one way or another. ;-)

Your Homework

Alright, I need to make this the quickest post ever (well, maybe not ever, but fairly short). If you are like me (and fortunately most of you are not), you are swamped with a lot of work right now that is sucking the fun out of your life. For me, I have to write a "mega" history and physical on my patient with transient left sided hemiparesis and aphasia (extra bonus points for the first person to respond with what this could be). So, I decided to give you an assignment of your own, albeit a fun one.

You need to go to http://www.bucknell.edu/x33182.xml and download the document called "Game Notes vs. Holy Cross." It is 47 pages of Bucknell Basketball procrastination-filled bliss. Read it, memorize it, become inspired by it. You should have it completed by 4:30 pm on Friday, March 9th. You are permitted to work in groups to complete it. Bonus points if you wear orange and blue as you are doing it.

'Ray Bucknell!

Funny side note: You know that people know that you are obsessed when you have the following conversation;
Me: "I have to get out of work early on Friday, I have a VERY important event I need to attend."
Med Student #1: "Really? What is it?"
Me: "Well, what do you think?"
Med Student #2: "Its not another Bucknell Happy Hour, is it?!"